Saturday, June 29, 2019

[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, unedited.]

Dance like no one is watching… until the day when you are ready to dance like everyone is watching.

 

I’m quibbling with myself over the date on this entry, because it’s 0115 and I haven’t really slept so maybe it’s more of a Friday entry, and Friday had some good stuff to talk about, but… bleh. Whatever.

 

Earlier tonight I gathered the courage to email HR. Super preliminary; I just privately contacted someone I trust from the department and asked to talk in person next week. But it’s a huge step and I am trying to permit myself some pride and comfort in having done it.

Things continue to inch forward on the transition path. I am maintaining my resolve to see it through, and… I’m happy about that. I’m proud of that. I find a ton of reassurance and confidence in that. Somehow, though, it is still hard to own.

Dysphoria has been a real battle this week. I’ve said that I’m not unsure of who I am anymore, and that what I am feeling is a pained reaction to the discrepancy between my certainty in myself, and the world at large. And that is true, but incomplete. There are times when the pain is overwhelming enough that it really does become hard to see me anymore.

I haven’t disappeared, and that gives me hope and encouragement to a depth that I’m not sure I can really describe. It’s true that I am learning so very, very much about how to love myself. But something I said a while ago in these pages still rings true – I don’t want to have to do this alone. I know that I can, and I swear in the most sacred and binding ways I can reach that I fucking will – if that is what I must do. I just hope I don’t have to.

 

My memory is foggy, mainly because I think I was in the middle of trying to fall asleep at the time, but frankly the circumstances are irrelevant. Earlier tonight I found more name.

I am eternally worried about absolutely everything and therefore obviously not sure yet; but the same warmth and belonging is there, and the same chills when I think of hearing it from someone else. It’s so… pretty, and poetically suited to me, and just… right.

Hi! I’m Amelia Joy.